Ammi, Mom, Maa ... :)

I am listening to John Mayer, and staring at the my laptop screen. I understand that anything I write today, will have to come from my memories, but that doesn't seem to help the matters. It is always so hard to write about people who mean a lot to you. Thus writitng about my mother is exceptionally hard.

I am not sure what my earliest memory of you is, Ami. That time when you taught me how to hold a pencil the right way, so that I could write a perfect A and being proud of me when I could finally write down the alphabet, the harsh words when I told the Moulvi Saab not to come and pretended to be sick, putting the bowl of milk under the stairs for "our pet porcupine" haha, playing cricket with that red plastic bat and always letting me win, making us kids eat almonds every morning and drink a glass of milk, ignoring our constant pleas of dislike for it, leaving for the hospital when my brother was about to come in this world and telling me you'll be home soon with a present (not a present anymore I tell ya. just kidding haha), not eating lunch till we came back from school no matter how late it was, the "looks" when I told you I was conducting an experiment in my room under the bed and making sure it didn't involve anything that could blow up the house, coming up with ridiculous science fair projects and writing speeches for me because I never liked to put an effort into it, that one God awful day when I argued back with you on something stupid and you didn't talk to me making me realise my mistake, convincing me time and again that it was about time I start wearing something decent accordingly my age and not the silly tshirts and me brushing it away as usual, making my favorite "puris" during Ramadan, convincing abu that I deserved the PSP more then my brother, letting me park my bicycle in my room because there were owls and insects outside who might mess it up, feeding the chickens and chasing the rabbits.

What else do I remember? All the family outings, cozy winter evenings spent in front of the living room heater breaking walnuts and making fun of whoever couldn't do it, making sure I brushed my teeth and packed my bag even in 9th grade! folding my shirts for me because I always did a sloppy job, always letting me have my way using the excuse that I was the eldest, All those frequent stories of how you had to walk a mile or cook your own food back when you were my age or "hamaray abu tou itnay sakht thay keh ...." The time when you were leaving for Hajj and just the thought of living without you for over a month terrified me, who would help me in Urdu now, who would be home to say Shabaash on that 100 I got on the math quiz, who will make sure I have the tie for my school uniform? The 40 days without you though didn't end soon but I thanked God because I didn't have to part from you very soon again. HA! little did I know fate had planned something else for us, two years later, I got the most awaited letter of my life! I was going to America! a dream come true for me, you put all the faith and trust on me gave me your blessings and let me choose my own path and resisted all the criticism. August 2008, Jinnah Airport- Though I had promised I would not break down, but that last hug and Imam Zamin on my arm, broke me down, nothing in the world seemed as significant as you that day. The first phone call when I was in the States and I could hear your silent sniffles and you brushing it off as seasonal cold or a viral flu, like I didn't know you better :), staying on the phone for 3 hours so that I could cook biryani in the States and the "I told you to learn how to cook, but God bless you, you are just walking on your father's footsteps, listening to no one" tone, the various lessons of "Jaisa bhi hai, apna mulk apna hai" , calling on every December evening just to make sure I was wearing a warm enough jacket, and God forbid if my voice sounded different coming up with various desi totkas of mixing honey with something, always telling me to drink more water instead of Coke and offer Namaz more often, the time you freaked out when I was lost in London and the most precious amongst all was June 13th 2009 when after 10 months of partition I was coming down from the escalator, and I see you, smiling, and that hug was everything I had not gotten in those 10 months, that face is something I will remember throughout. And the second thing you said was a comment on the ripped pair of jeans I was wearing "beta, give them to me when you we get home, I can definitely make them look better" Me: "Oh Ami, not again please"
I spent the whole summer, sleeping during days and staying up at nights, and you didn't say anything, I planned to go back to US for my senior year even though I could clearly see your hesitance but still you were fierce against everyone and let me go on my path once again, I could sense your sadness while you helped me pack for the second time in a row, but this time you tried to be strong, not that it worked because I remember the longing in your eyes at the airport when you were told you had to leave as you could not go further then the security checkpoint. I remember the tears in your eyes, and you were still there, watching me go, I pass through security and you were still there till the very last instant, our eyes met for the last time, and we smiled & I left. I remember that.
Or that one time in Murree when you acted all tough and gave me your sweatshirt telling me you were used to this cold, as you were born in Kashmir. You never failed to amaze me Ami.

It was this year, at a time when I sat continents away from you that I realised… how much I missed you. I realised just how significant and beautiful your presence in my life was. Sitting thousands of miles away your pone calls brighten my days and make me feel good no matter what I am going through.

No matter how long and hard I try to think, words or anything I do my whole life would not do you any justice, I am forever indebted to you. Thank you Ami, for all the restless nights, for keeping up with my craziness, for making sure the house remains a house, for giving up your comfort so that we all have a good life, for all that you have done. I will try being more mature and learn to cook :D

I Love you Ami Jaan, regardless of how far I am or what day of the year it is :).