Loss

5^Th January 2009, Last day of winter break. Virginia, USA.

Some events just stick to your memory, you end up remembering every tiny detail, from the color of your shirt to the time, even though it would be nice if you don't, if you could just forget about it. This is one such memory, one I'm not sure If i wanna keep, one that I would happily exchange, one 'phone call' that I wished I didn't have to endure.

It was around 5:30pm EST and my cell phone rings. “Mom- Pakistan” on the phone LCD, doing the quick mental math I figured it was around 2:30 am in Pakistan, an odd time to get a call from my mom, nevertheless it started with the usual 'whatsups' and 'Salams'. I could feel the difference in her voice, upon my asking she waived it away with the usual 'winter-bout-of-flu' excuse. After the usual 'hows family', 'school' as an effort to get her talking, she broke down, my mother did. Its an odd thing when you watch some one be strong their whole lives, and in that one moment they just break down and .. cry? Its like losing faith in humanity or yourself. And it doesn't help when you're miles away from home. “who is it?”- Not wanting to hear the answer, I knew it would be bad, it would hurt. “amaan” (grand mother). What?! WHEN?! “New years night, we didn't wanna tell you”

And it ended as soon as it started. Next thing I know, tears were streaming down my face, the first time I felt so powerless, to do anything, to change anything. To make myself believe she was gone, my grandmother who despite being so frail was filled with will to live, if not for her, for her family, for us.

Its been almost 2 years now, and it still doesn't feel real. How was I supposed to know the last time Id see her, was when she'd see me off at the airport? The last touch would be when shed tie the imam zamin around my arm? The last blessing would be that of having a safe journey and of coming back soon? Come back I did, but you weren't here. You couldn't live long enough to ask me about my journey and left for your eternal journey.

All the ludo games, extra Eidi, arguments, love, hugs, bed time stories even when I was in like 8^th grade!, the kind smile, the hiding your reading glasses. I don't think any thing I write would do justice to the special relation ship we shared.

If only ... I could go back, and change things. Tell her i love her, that she was the best grandmother...and I'm sorry I wasn't there, like you were. May Almighty rest her soul in peace. Ameen.